


Diary

by junniperrose



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26193643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junniperrose/pseuds/junniperrose
Summary: Diary Entry for January 1st, 2020.





	1. Chapter 1

I will now be in Year ##. Exams and all. I am trying to improve my hygiene, as well as fitness. I want to get back on my track with school. I hated 2019. It was not a good year. I went back in grades. I daydream too much. I need to learn how to control it. I should organise special times for me to daydream. I want to eat smaller portions too. I must admit my body is okay but I do wish I was slimmer. I wish i was slim, petite, and angled, but soft. I was really sad in 2019. I still feel sad now. It is a feeling of dissatisfaction. I am never truly happy. I feel empty. I feel bored, that's why I always look for something to eat. It is the start of the new year, and I know "New Year New Me" is a tad bit silly, but that is what I am aiming for.

Signed. I do not know what my final name is.


	2. June 1st

It is June 1st, 6pm, exactly. 

I'm going to school tomorrow after so long of being quarantined. COVID-19 is a virus that affects your lungs. There is no vaccine. Back in March it was really bad. It started in China (I think) and it spread. It's prominent in China, USA, and parts of Europe. But recently, riots have started in the US. George Floyd, a black man, was murdered by a cop. He was killed because he was accused of forgery. The policeman had his knee on Flloyd's neck for too long. George Floyd said he could not breathe. An outrage has sparked. Riots and protests are happening. ACAB!!! All cops are bad! No justice, no peace. I wish racism would end. 

I'm scared to start school because I've been feeling down all of a sudden. I'm not sad or happy, just dull. I try to distract myself though. I also have braces yay! I'm alot more confident now. My teeth are turning more straight. I can't wait to see my friends. I hope ###### comes. I really, really want ###### to come. I miss her so much. I also have exams coming up. This is why I'm going to school, I have to study and catch up. I think I want to go to ####### University after I graduate. Should I take a gap year though? I want to be an early childhood teacher, like Kindy-Year 3. Like Miss Honey in Matilda. I want to live in a pretty cottage, but living in the city also sounds nice. Talking about the city, I want to visit New York when I'm older. I think I'll just live in Australia. It is a good country.

Signed, I don't know what my name is.


	3. June 4th

Today is Thursday, 4th of June. The last time I wrote it my diary was 1st of June. Happy pride month! And it is also my birthday month. What’s the birthstone of a June baby like me? Moonstone, pearl, and alexandrite. Such pretty stones! My birth flowers are Rose and Honeysuckle. Should my name be Rosemarie? (I think Rosemarie is better than June.) I think it is a lovely name. Rose is my favourite flower and Marie comes from Ann Marie from All Dogs Go to Heaven. Rosemary is a beautiful name, like Rosemary in Rosemary’s Baby. My mother used to have table placemats with different types of flora on it. All I can remember from the board is rosemary and juniper. June, like June from Little Einsteins (who was my favourite character), could be a shortened version of Juniper. Hence the name I have coined, Junniperrose. 

Now, onto exams. My exams are next week. I am so scared! There is so much to cover: economics, government, World War 2, congruency, linear relations, finance, geometry, physics, biology, chemistry, and then an essay and short answer responses. That’s why I’m in Student Services. I always come here to skip classes. Right now I skipped English. I didn’t write a SAR for my teacher to check. I was feeling weird yesterday. I can’t describe it, all I can think of is dullness. I just felt like lying in bed doing nothing. My mother said “if you can’t do it, then don’t do it! They aren’t going to arrest you for doing so!” I’m so scared though. I skipped class because I didn’t want my teacher to see me. Me and my mum talked to each other last night. About The Man. My mum tells me all these stories about him. My mum told me that when I was almost 2 years old she realised that her marriage wouldn’t last. I can see attributes from The Man and from mama that I have within me. I have my mums bubbliness, song, and humility. However, I have my dad’s arrogance and narcissism. My mum says I shouldn’t be like that, but I think that you can’t change genes. 

We had such a good time talking with one another. She makes the conversation awkward however, she keeps on mentioning God. I get uncomfortable when we talk about Him. I would not hesitate to be Christian if I…wasn’t so doubtful. Do you fear God?

###### has depression. I haven’t told my mum, but she has been taking anti-depressants, at ## years of age. I love you ######, I love you(platonically)! And I care about you so much! I wish you could just be better and come to school! I wish you weren’t wrapped up in your blankets all the time! It makes me angry, but I don’t tell you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But I know it’s not something you can fix straight away. I love you ######, I realise I love you, because I care about you and every time I get mad at you I always forgive and you’re beautiful in my eyes, your imperfections and perfections make up everything about you. But she’s been doing this for more than two years. It started at the end of Year 8, 2018. I wish my best friend would come back to school.

I don’t want to do any work! I’m sick of this already and it’s only been 3 days. I am not ready for my exams. I just want school to end. I want to be 18 (though I will be 17 when I graduate I think) and be free! If I ever get to make my house, this is a similar plan to what it would look like. I want to have a partner and probably have one daughter. And I’ll have birds and duckies! I want to be a teacher for young children.

• I want My Little Pony Generation 3 stickers :(  
• I want MLP merch as well  
• I also wish I looked beautiful.

Signed. Am I Rosemarie now?


	4. June 11th

Finally, I have finished with my exams! Today is Thursday, 11 June 2020. Let me tell you about it. 

First up was HASS- I am so terrible at HASS. I didn’t like that exam at all, but I don’t care if I get a bad grade. 

Second was Math- and I really enjoyed it! It was my favourite one. I whizzed through all the questions and it was so easy!

Third was English- I am so bad at transferring my thoughts onto paper. I don’t even think I did my SAR right, and don’t even get me started on my essay. My paragraphs were incomplete and missing evidence, and I couldn’t finish my conclusion. 

Fourth- Which was just today, was Science! The Chemistry and Biology booklets were super easy- but the Physics one didn’t make sense at all. I think it was because I wasn’t there for the physics study, and I didn’t do my physics test. I attempted the questions I knew at least though. 

So that’s it! Exams for this term are done. I still have to finish my art analysis this afternoon and do my Japanese tests! So much tests! They only want to grade us on how much we know and then we all forget it afterwards.

Signed Rosemarie


	5. June 22nd

Today is 22nd of June 2020. Yesterday was my birthday! On Saturday I went to a Japanese restaurant with ######. The food there is so delicious. There’s so much but it never makes me full. Then yesterday ###### came over to my house. We watched Twilight (2008). It’s about vampires etc. It’s super cheesey but I’d honestly label it a classic. Then we sang and danced to Lana del Rey and Melanie Martinez. It was fun. ###### got me a Cinderella funko pop. Now I have 4! (I now have Captain America, Spider Man, Beverly Marsh and Cinderella.) ###### got me gem stickers and a Paint Gem kit. It is just a piece of fabric and you stick gems onto their assigned spots. Like colour by number. I finished it last night. Now it is Monday. I am always always tired on Mondays. My mother got mad at me last night and this morning because I was being silly and lazy. 

Don’t you just hate the other students? I am always tense in the classroom because I am afraid of embarrassment. Embarrassment and jealousy are one of my worst feelings ever. When I am embarrassed my palms start sweating really bad. My face heats up as I feel the blood rush to my face. This happens when I do anything. I’m always embarrassed at school. I’m always stressing and nervous-like prey in the wilderness. I always have to be alert. The way I walk, talk, sit, work, anything will determine my worth in this putrid place we call high school. Maybe that’s why I’m always breaking out and oily in class all day. At home, specifically at night, I am my best. My skin clears up, my teeth are whiter, my hair is lustrous and soft, my eyes are bright. That’s why I always do my makeup at night. My mum thinks of it such an oddity. “No one’s going to see your makeup. You’re going to bed. No need to put it on!” It’s a shame I look (and feel) filthy throughout the most active times of day. I am in HASS class now. I am supposed to be making notes for my essay, but I decided to write this instead, as I am very tired and it is keeping me awake. 

Signed Rosemarie.


	6. July 1st

1 July 2020.   
Right now, is sport. I did not wear my sport uniform. I am scared of my teacher. She will tell me off again. I left behind my best friend. I feel bad for leaving her. I do not want to go to HASS or Lunch either. I just want to sleep.  
And I have mixed emotions about my mother. I hate her, I hate her I hate her I was so close to tackling her that one night. Adrenaline, I guess. I considered self-harm. I have done it before. I haven’t done it since the start of 2019.  
I think about my dad. If he had not done what he did to me I think I would rather live with him. I keep daydreaming I never pay attention to what really happens. I never realise how great and sad my life is. I want to fall asleep and dream forever, leave me be. I don’t want to die I want to choose when I dream, and I want to stay in the dream land forever. Death is so scary cause I rot; I don’t want to forget and when I do the thousands of people stuck in my daydreams die with it. I want to cry, and cry and cry and I can’t. I hate almost everything right now.  
I think what I need is ###### and I to just walk. I want to walk with her, I don’t know where, but we will be walking.   
I am so embarrassed of myself and everything I do. I believe I look stupid and stupid and ugly and dumb. I hate sport I hate it and I hate my classes and my school I would kill get rid of everybody here I want to go back to being 8 and playing make believe and everything was happy. What is wrong with me? Is it my dad? I don’t recall it as being trauma. It didn’t scare me. It disgusts me and I make jokes about it. Maybe it is my mother? Do I need a father?  
I wish I was like a unicorn and never felt emotions. People would gasp in awe in my beauty and mystery as I walk in a dreamlike world.

Signed Rosemarie.


	7. Exam Results

Here are my exam results from 2020.

 **HASS:** 28.5/50. 57%. Overall Grade: C. _Semester Mark: 61%_  
 **Math:** Non-Calc: 17/30. 57% Calc: 43.5/61 71%. Overall Grade: C/B. _Semester Mark: 66%_  
 **English:** Comprehension: 5.5/10. 55% Response: 14/25. 56%. Overall Grade: B. _Semester Mark: 66%_  
 **Science:** Biology: 20/30. 66% Physics: 17/30. 56% Chemistry: 25.5/30. 85%. Overall Grade: B. _Semester Mark: 67%_

General Course Tests:

 **Art Analysis:** 16/16. 100%. Overall Grade: A. _Semester Mark: 94%_  
 **Japanese:** 15/16. 93%. Overall Grade: A. _Semester Mark: 84%_  
 **Health:** Overall Grade: A. _Semester Mark: 75%_  
 **Sport:** Overall Grade: D. _Semester Mark: 45%_

I am not happy with my results for exams.


	8. August 16th

I have not written here for a long time. Right now I feel like crap. I am feeling bad about my body because I saw a skinny girl on TikTok, with a nice waist. I cried at church today because I feel ugly. I went to my grandparents and we talked about Jews. I walked their dog around the neighbourhood. It has nice houses. Now I'm doing homework. I hate HATE school! I have to keep in mind that I will have a second, brand new life when I gro up, where I can be pretty, cottagecore, fit, wealthy, artistic.

Cottagecore: a lesbian's dream.

Signed Rosemarie :)


	9. August 30th

Hello, it is August 30, 2020. It is 11:00 pm. I have school tomorrow. I went to Church today and talked with my grandpa about what angels look like, and disobedience and the ten commandments. Boy, does he love to talk. Went from Eskimos to how to get bee stings out. A great actor, Chadwick Boseman, who starred as the mighty Marvels' Black Panther, has passed. Along with Kobe, worldwide basketball champion, 2020 has taken another great role model. 

###### is a highschool drop out. Her name is no longer called out on roll anymore. I feel like I have grown distant with her. Her anti-depressants don't help much I think. She is also on some sleeping medication. I am growing very close to ######. She is such a card, I tell you! I aspire to be as confident and carefree. I do feel bad though. This personality of hers has been formed from previous bullying and torment from her old high school.

I have been feeling pretty. I posted two photos of myself to Instagram. But you will never guess what.

There was a new girl this year and turns out she's my best friend's ex-best friend. Though she was my Heather, and I thought she was so pretty. But not until last Friday, during free dress, she came up to me and complimented my eyeliner (yes, I am now wearing eyeliner every day to school.) I complimented hers, and her outfit. I followed her on Instagram, and wow, another classmate of mine told me she was a lesbian too. I was so very happy, I have a crush on her. She came and sat next to me in Art as well. We talked about being lesbians together! I text her every day now, but she is such a slow and dry texter! So awkward. She smokes weed and has done heavy drinking, mind you, she's had puffs of a ciggie. It actually does frighten me but I don't hate her. I haven't told my best friend. (The one who is the ex-best friend.) I'm scared because he is, quite passive-aggressive. My crush told me she hasn't had her first kiss. I feel like these feelings won't last though. I feel like I only caught feelings because she is gay.

Signed, Rosemarie.


End file.
